A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I
can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?
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A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
>
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
>
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
>
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
>
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.

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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing
up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on
the highway?

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss
America?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence and the Abbot said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
>
Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to
her, "Sister
Marlena, you have been here for 5 years; you can speak two words." Sister
Marlena said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed."
> >
After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbot. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena." "Cold food," said Sister Marlena, and the Abbott assured her that the food would be better in the future.
> >
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Sister Marlena into his office, "What are the two words you may say today?" "I quit," said Sister Marlena. "It is probably best", said the Abbott, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
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Here's your extremely bad pun for the day. You have been warned.

Fish and Chips

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother
Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says, "then you must be....?"

(Ready for this?...)
.
.
.
.
.

He said, "Yes, I'm the chip monk!"